Don’t Get Mad, Get Wise

Some Tips on Anger Management

“Be patient with everything, but most of all with yourself.”

“Nobody can make us angry if we don’t have seeds of anger inside.”

Dzogchen lama Surya das

Understanding ANGER

Anger is A self-created disturbance of the energy of your consciousness when any desire is not fulfilled. Anger can also be described as negative turbulent energy, a subtle violence through thought and word hitting the person.

Delusion manifests from anger. Delusion causes bewilderment of memory. Bewilderment of memory causes loss of intelligence and when intelligence is lost, one is destroyed.Bhagavad Gita

Here are some reasons for anger;

  • We keep an image of how things should be
  • How people should behave, e.g late or on time
  • How events should unfold, e.g traffic jams, weather, slow internet
  • We expect that the world should dance in our tune. Your expectation was not met.

Anger usually means you are running on autopilot, allowing your subconscious habits of belief and perception to shape your nearly conscious thoughts and actions.
Anger is simply a sign that you, not the object of your anger, have made a mistake. Anger is learned, and it can therefore be unlearned. That means don’t repress, don’t suppress, and don’t express. What’s left? Transform.

Impacts of Anger

The impact of anger has been a greatly studied subject, In numerous studies, anger has been found to have a wholly detrimental effect on our physical well-being. In one such study, it was demonstrated that letting go of the anger buried in a grudge relieved and reduced chronic back pain.

So, if you have any overdue neck & back pains, ulcers, headache, constant tiredness, etc. might want to self reflect if you have any long overdue grudges that are making your body feel drained, burned out. Managing your anger well keeps you physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy.

Common System Beliefs of Anger

With anger we have many system beliefs which we have learned from environment or we carried from our past. Here are the 7 fatal beliefs that we all tend to learn and use to justify and sustain our anger. Most of your beliefs are held subconscious and it may take few moments of reflection to lower the line between subconscious and conscious and see what you believe.

  • It’s not me. It’s them!
  • I have no choice but to get angry
  • It’s quite normal to be angry
  • It gives me energy
  • It’s a natural response to become angry
  • I need to use anger to motivate others
  • You need to ‘snarl’ to survive

Different forms of Anger

People not only become angry for different reasons, but the anger takes different forms depending on the learned beliefs, past experience and immediate perception. While you practice returning to the true, original, anger-free you, old wounds will continue to throw up different forms of anger within your consciousness, and then through your behavior.

Let’s understand different phases or form of anger;

  1. Irritation; You create this when things don’t happen fast enough, e.g. when your computer just hangs for a moment, the car in front is a bit slow or someone is tapping a finger in a silent room
  2. Frustration; You create this when things don’t go the way you wanted or expected or envisaged.
  3. Grudge; You create this when you believe you have been wronged by someone in the past.
  4. Resentment; You create this towards those that you think have insulted or offended you
  5. Contempt; You create this following your judgment and deep disapproval of another’s actions.
  6. Hate; You create this when you decide someone represents evil or extreme nastiness.
  7. RageYou create this following the build-up of anger, normally in response to others’ actions which you deem obstructive or invasive, e.g. road rage
It’s not me, It’s them.You and only you are 100% responsible for what you think and feel always.
I have no choice but to get angry.Choice begins with your beliefs and perceptions. Self-transformation begins with increasing your awareness of the beliefs that you hold and hold you.
It’s quite normal to be angry.Anger is totally abnormal for a sane human being. Any moment of anger means you are temporarily insane.
It gives me energy.Anger drains energy and over time will end up burnout.
It’s a natural response to became angry.Anger is a sure sign that you are going against your nature, which is peaceful and loving
I need to use anger to motivate others.Anger kills motivation within oneself and will likely adversely influence others’ motivation.
You need to ‘snarl’ to survive.To make a real and lasting peace with others we need to be anger-free.

Here’s a guide in dealing with different forms of anger.

Form of AngerSolution
IrritationCultivate patience and a sense of acceptance that everything and everyone has their own rhythm, their own pace of living. And if its tapping fingers that bother you, either start tapping yourself or gently request them to stop it.
FrustrationAccept the way things went – embrace, work with, and learn from what happened. Accept the way things are. Always respond proactively to the present not reactively towards the past. Only then the future will turn out closer to be what you envisage.
GrudgeRemember, no one hurts you mentally or emotionally. You do it to yourself. People can hurt you physically but not emotionally and mentally.
ResentmentIt’s not other’s words that hurt, it’s what you did with those words in your own mind. You also create resentment when you are jealous of someone.
Solution: Stop comparing and aspiring to be like someone else. Get on with your own life. You cannot be someone else and no one owes you anything.
ContemptSeparate the person from the action and remember their actions begin with their beliefs. They have likely learned the wrong beliefs. Remind yourself that YOU CANNOT control others – suspend your judgment. Don’t approve or disapprove. Just watch. Then imagine the most proactive response, then do it. There’s a famous quote that says “Punish the Sin and Not the Sinner”
HateNotice how you are making yourself an emotional slave to the object of your hate, and that means you are not free and that means you are unhappy. Remember everyone is intrinsically good, they just forgot. See their hate and their actions as a cry for help, a cry for attention, a cry for love.
RageIt’s time to get help, attend a course, get a coach, enter therapy, learn meditation.

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own — not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural.”

“When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you’ll feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger. Your sense of good and evil may be the same as theirs, or near it, in which case you have to excuse them. Or your sense of good and evil may differ from theirs. In which case they’re misguided and deserve your compassion. Is that so hard”

-Marcus Aurelius

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